Ash: Zero is not really counting.
Me: True. But it is a number.
Ash: How is it a number if you can’t count to zero?
Me: … Good question.
Ash: Oh, but 100 has zeroes in it.
Me: You are way smarter than most of America.
The boys wrote Father’s Day notes to Bill and now that I’m done crying and laughing, I have to share them.
From Holden:
Dear Dad, Here is why I love you. First, you make a lot of money. You make millions or thousands of dollars. Next, you are really good at games! You are better than me! last, you taught me how to play baseball. I am better at it now! Happy father’s day! I love you.
xoxo
Love, Holden
From Lucas: [fill in the blanks, Luc’s response in quotes]
My Dad is special because “he plays with me a lot.”
I like it when my Dad “buys games for me.”
My Dad can do many things! I think he’s best at “playing video games.”
My Dad has a great smile! I like to make him smile by “telling knock knock jokes.”
My Dad is as handsome as a “he is not really like that.” (my favorite LOL)
My Dad is smart! He even knows “what to do!”
Lucas: Holden, I think Ash is a little bit weird.
Holden: He’s just a little kid.
Lucas: I’m not saying that he’s stupid, just that he’s weird.
Holden: That’s not a very nice thing to say.
Lucas: Weird is a nice way of saying stupid.
Holden: So you ARE saying Ash is stupid.
Lucas. I don’t think you’re understanding what I’m saying.
Holden: Exactly.
Conversation between my husband and our 3 year old after battling with him for the last two weeks as he goes through a new phase of non-stop talking and non-stop non-listening to anything we say.
Bill: I think we’re gonna send you to live with the wolves.
Ash: No! They will eat me!
Bill: No, they won’t eat you. You’ll become one of the wolfpack. Then you can run around and play all day in the snow.
Ash: Is it real snow?
Bill: Yeah.
Ash: But snow is cold.
Bill: It’s okay. You’ll have fur.
Ash: What’s that?
Bill: It’s like hair all over your body.
Ash: But I won’t have arms or hands?
Bill: No, you’ll have paws.
Ash: Can I make a snowman with a carrot? And then eat it?
Bill: Ummm… sure?
Ash: Will I be with the whywolves?
Bill: You mean werewolves?
Ash: I don’t want to be a whywolve. I’m just an Asher.
Luc: Mom, what animals are french fries made of?
Me: They’re not made from animals. They’re made out of potatoes.
Ash: How do you make french fries out of potatoes?!?!?!
Me: You just cut them up and fry them.
Holden: Well what are potatoes made of?
Me: Potatoes are just potatoes.
Luc and Holden: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Me: [I don’t know why that’s funny.]
A Tutorial for other kids like myself who want to play soccer - or at least think they do.
*By Holden
Step 1: Put on your soccer clothes. - Complain about how itchy your pants are and how your socks are too tight. Prance around the house in your cleets and make lots of noise to try to wake up your sleeping baby brother. Comment on how red is your favorite color but so is blue.
Step 2: Go to the soccer field. - While there, discuss with your parents how hot it is and how tired you are. Offer other options in lieu of soccer such as video games. Something that involves being inside an air-conditioned room and not an outdoor sauna.
Step 3: Listen to your coach. - If your coach is not paying attention, get her attention by dancing around in circles in the middle of the field until she yells at you to join your team. Then tell her that when she asks you to run around the field and then freeze, she should clarify that she wants you to freeze with your foot on the soccer ball and not pose like an Egyptian or with one leg up in the air while making a stupid face.
Step 4: When the whistle blows, beging playing soccer. - This means running back and forth watching your team try to kick one stupid ball around and into a net at the end of the field. It also involves stopping to pose for your Mom who takes pictures the entire game, cheering equally enthusiastically for the other team when they score, and looking bewildered when your coach tells you to kick the ball. What ball? Oooooooh, that ball.
Step 5: Look at the clouds with your brother. - If you get a break in between playing, it is best spent lying in the grass with your brother, looking for animal shapes in the clouds.
If you follow these simple steps, you may not be very good at soccer. But you will be a happy kid and make your parents laugh a lot.
*Editor’s Note: Not really written by Holden ;)
Luc’s Teacher (to me): Ash looks just like you!
Ash: No I don’t! I don’t have any moles all over the place!
= = =
Ash (looking at my wrist): Where did you get this bracelet?
Me: Daddy got it for me for Christmas?
Ash: WOW! Daddy is so awesome! … and cute… like me! And you so beautiful.
…
[I guess we’ll keep him.]
Ash: I have a wife.
Luc: Is your wife a girl?
Ash: Nooooo. A boy.
Luc: Who?
Ash: Elmo [sings to tune of Barney] … He loves me. I watch him. [laughs maniacally]
Luc: Mom, I was going to tell you something but then I forgot… Oh, wait that’s what I was going to tell you!
Bill: Luc, you just discovered irony.
Luc: What’s irony?
Me: Well it’s NOT rain on your wedding day, I’ll tell you that.
Bill: Irony is… when… something is… ironic.
Luc: [stares blankly]
Bill: [looks on iPhone] Irony is “a statement that, when taken in context, may actually mean the opposite of what is written literally”.
Holden: That would make more sense if Lucas knew the words you were saying.
Luc: I have no idea what you’re talking about. *facepalm*
Luc: “What’s the name of our President?”
Me: “Barack Obama”
Luc: [points at TV screen] “Is that him?”
Bill: “No, that’s Kareem Abdul Jabbar.”