A Tutorial for other kids like myself who want to play soccer - or at least think they do.

*By Holden

Step 1: Put on your soccer clothes. - Complain about how itchy your pants are and how your socks are too tight. Prance around the house in your cleets and make lots of noise to try to wake up your sleeping baby brother. Comment on how red is your favorite color but so is blue.

Step 2: Go to the soccer field. -  While there, discuss with your parents how hot it is and how tired you are. Offer other options in lieu of soccer such as video games. Something that involves being inside an air-conditioned room and not an outdoor sauna.

Step 3: Listen to your coach. - If your coach is not paying attention, get her attention by dancing around in circles in the middle of the field until she yells at you to join your team. Then tell her that when she asks you to run around the field and then freeze, she should clarify that she wants you to freeze with your foot on the soccer ball and not pose like an Egyptian or with one leg up in the air while making a stupid face.

Step 4: When the whistle blows, beging playing soccer. - This means running back and forth watching your team try to kick one stupid ball around and into a net at the end of the field. It also involves stopping to pose for your Mom who takes pictures the entire game, cheering equally enthusiastically for the other team when they score, and looking bewildered when your coach tells you to kick the ball. What ball? Oooooooh, that ball.

Step 5: Look at the clouds with your brother. - If you get a break in between playing, it is best spent lying in the grass with your brother, looking for animal shapes in the clouds.

If you follow these simple steps, you may not be very good at soccer. But you will be a happy kid and make your parents laugh a lot.

*Editor’s Note: Not really written by Holden ;)